Life hurls a lot of stuff at us and more often than not, we are unprepared for the attack. Sometimes i feel I'm just a dejected,loveless,tired and cynical soul throwing my sarcasms randomly for people to be hit by them. Its sickens the hell out me that this is the real me!( I mean since when did i start acting in such an un-ladylike manner!!) But sadly, this is true. This is probably how everyone sees me and I have stopped caring about them...is this normal? Frankly, I'm a bit paranoid about myself these days. Not that I wasn't paranoid about the same issue earlier but then the reasons were different. Pimples,parents,fights with pals,finding a boyfriend were the occupations of the mind. When i grew out of that and landed in this philosophical trap, i don't know. I'm just 21...isn't this the time to have fun,explore sex,make plenty of rich bfs and splurge on the girly necessities of life? Apparently its not possible for moi!
Its nothing to do with age i guess; this self torture that I put myself through. I am not aware of how other people feel...whether they think so much about life as well. Is everyone this sad? This dejected? Does everyone feel this sense of 'being acutely wronged' and 'let down' by friends,family and that special one without any apparent reason? Nothing of that big a magnitude has happened with me till now. I've had my share of ups and downs that come as a gift with being a human being but its nothing extraordinary that I've been through. Then what exactly is going on with the chemicals in my brain to make me feel this way? Its kinda maddening to sit everyday, resloving to stop bothering myself and to try and give myself explanations for putting on a facade for others. At a time when i should be enjoying the freedom of being young, I am constantly burdening my poor self with dramatic philosophies and boring theories about life. Now that I am writing about it, I'm able to see how helpless I really am.
I have tried alot to convince myself that I am normal('Coz sometimes I really feel its my fascianation with being normal that borders on abnormality!). Maybe this is what being normal means...and I'm not the only one suffering due to an overdose of philosophy. So eventually, after meanderings into the deep darkness of the unknown truths of life and realization that this is me- whether alone or not, this is how my life will be. Rebellion,anger,frustration and finally acceptance. I float in and out of these stages, hoping that someday i'll find a fifth stage called PEACE. Meanwhile, I'm moving through the previous four and unfolding the madness that accompanies each one. People may think that we go where life takes us,but I think that life takes us where we want to go. Waiting for my destination to come...
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Don’t you think that interestingly, we all have fascination with the tragic…somehow it makes us feel grander about ourselves, giving our mundane existences a tinge of the ‘extraordinary’. Perhaps this is the reason why you (we) may feel “feel this sense of 'being acutely wronged' and 'let down' by friends, family and that special one without any apparent reason”.
ReplyDeleteAnd sweetheart its not about our chronological age, rather it’s about how much we have grown (or we fancy we have grown) in our minds. You know, there’s so much my mind is bursting with when I think of all this; but every time I attempt an answer I feel ill qualified for it! The saddest part ironically is that we may always be ill qualified for answering these questions…